Just me

A few weeks ago I embarked on something utterly terrifying.

HEADSHOTS.

I really desperately needed some new ones, as the last ones were about five years old and look absolutely nothing like who I am today.

Thankfully, my husband's stepmother was in charge. Her business, Heather Isaak Photography, has been around for about eight years, and I've been grateful to observe her incredible growth over that time period.

I trusted her.
But I didn't trust myself.

How would it even be possible to take PHOTOS of myself, when I look can barely look in the mirror and meet my own gaze?

It was scary.
Overwhelming.
Truthfully, a little fun and silly too.

Since when does a mom of three kids, working as a freelancer, get nearly four hours of uninterrupted pampering and girl time?

'Glamour shots by Deb' said my husband. Check that one off my bucket list.

-------

Fast forward to yesterday.
Heather came over and showed me my photos.

I sat stunned.
For the last 24 hours I've been totally stunned.

The truth is, I didn't think I could be beautiful.
Not as I am now.
Today.

Not with this body, so much rounder and curvier than five years ago.
Not with the black circles under my eyes, telling tales of cancer and worries about relapse.
Not with a stomach lined with scars from a c-section, ovarian cyst surgeries and a gall bladder removal.

I was stunned to see myself.
To see me.
The real me.

To realize that, while I am not the physical human I was five years ago, I am actually a better version of myself.

I am kinder.
I hug more often.
I tell my family that I love them more than ever before.

So what really stunned me about this process, about these photos was this:

My outside really did match my inside.
I didn't need to be skinny to be beautiful.
Just me.

Authentic.
Brave.
Loving.
Grateful.

<3 <3 <3


NB: Special thank you to Heather Isaak, for this incredible gift. xo

Exploring self love

I'm working away, right now, on the topic of self love.

According to my notes from Shawna's program, 'self love represents feelings of kindness, acceptance, forgiveness and compassion towards oneself.'

I find this interesting, for a couple of reasons.

One, I am working so very hard to build these skills into my kiddos' DNA. I ask them to use kind words, accept classmates despite their quirks, forgive each other and be patient with themselves as they learn new things at school and in life. I hope these life lessons will result in kids who genuinely care about others, empathize with their friends and learn patience in the face of adversity.

Two, I am terrible at this. I am severely deficient in forgiveness for myself on bad days, and I struggle every. single. day. to accept my new body and the words which come out of my mouth when annoyed or angry with my kids.

Shawna's notes suggest that a lack of self-love largely influences our ability to follow an authentic path. This makes sense to me,  as I feel discomfort with my current self.

So.
I am teaching my kiddos one thing.
But living another in my head.
Hmm.

It's time to change this.

This is terrifying.